No matter how hard I try to treat it like just another day, April 19, the anniversary of my wife's death, causes me to be depressed, angry, and otherwise not quite myself. This year was no exception. I've been in a pretty rotten mood for several days now, despite the fact that 9 years have now past since her home-going. I know better than to allow this to happen. I received a reminder while listening to my pastor deliver his message this week, from Romans 5:3-5:
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
This passage shows the hope that results from suffering, and while I understand and practice this throughout most of the year, during this time every year, I allow myself to be overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, depressed, and lonely, and with no energy to do anything. I know better. I know that God is with me, knows and understands my suffering, and one day, at the appropriate time, He may lift this cloud that surrounds me. I know He is not the reason for this suffering that I feel. I just need to look past it and use it to bring endurance, character, and the hope that I feel to the front.
With that said, please forgive me if I have not been as friendly or nice as I normally am, or if I have taken out my anger or frustration out on you, my friends, co-workers, family, neighbors, and others who I deal with on a regular basis. It is a result of what I am going through at this time of year. It hurts so much. I'm a broken person who needs Christ in my life. But I will try to be a better person, and to reflect Christ's love in the way He means it to be.
Thank you for your support, friendship, prayers, and love.