It is amazing how successfully depression and a well-timed pandemic can combine to push away, to at least arm's length, all of my closest friends, to a point where they no longer interact with nor ask about me, and they have practically no presence in my life. That wasn't my goal, but that was the result. If you feel like someone who fits that qualification, then you know you've been played. Out of sight, out of mind, you know?
Am I happier this way? The jury is out. On one hand, those who seemed to worry about me the most no longer do so, which is a positive in my mind. I didn't like having those with an active role in my life be concerned about my well-being. All that did was make me feel terribly guilty, and increase how screwed up I felt my life had become.
As it is, I can put out onto social media the occasional picture of my dog, one-year old Winnie the Wonder Pup, my cheery and over active Cavapoo companion, and it will appear that life is good in my world. Leave it to our cute pets to provide a sense of normalcy.
I also can allow myself to be the loner I prefer to be. I'm an empty-nester now. My calendar is relatively clear, and I can selfishly just do my own thing. I don't have to leave the house except to go to work (when I'm not teleworking), and run a few errands, which allows me to be a self-proclaimed honest to goodness shut-in. I can even have my groceries delivered.
My church slammed the door on my connections there with the elimination a few years ago of the Saturday service that I had grown accustomed to attending, and I lost my circle of friends there who had to spread out to over-crowded Sunday service times, and that, mixed with my own severe introversion and a growing feeling of anxiety as the pandemic became our new way of life, led to me no longer having a church home for the first time in my life.
I'm certainly not bored. My daughter calls me regularly to update me on her campus activities in her second year of college life. Mom & Dad check in periodically to give updates on their health. My 14 fantasy baseball teams and 10 fantasy football teams provide me with plenty of entertainment. And Winnie gives me opportunities to get a little bit of exercise, and someone with whom to talk.
Is this a life worth living? Of course. All life is worth living. Is it a happy life? No, not really. It provides some contentment, but not the happiness I used to enjoy.
This feeling of melancholy did lead me to pursue therapy, and that is helping. I just couldn't keep going down the path I was on. I was at my wit's end in a lot of ways, particularly with my job, which I actually hate with wild passion. Retirement is approaching quickly, however, and as long as I keep making plans for that retirement, I feel like I have something of which to look forward. Realistically, in three to five years, I can comfortably retire.
This isn't a happy post, though it isn't meant to be. It's just where things are at this time.
I hope things are well with you.
