Letter to My Wife

Wrote this letter to my wife, Teresa, almost a year after she died, at the height of my depression...


My Wonderful Wife,

The year is going by so fast! The Christmas season has just ended and we’re gearing up for a long winter. I actually am looking forward to the overcast days and snow, though I know you liked it better in the warm sunshine, unless it was snowing and school was cancelled!

Melody is still the center of our lives. She is growing so fast, and can do so many things. She is such a sweet, friendly, smart, strong-willed little girl. She reads her books everyday, and knows so many words. I can’t wait until she can talk instead of babble in that language only she understands, so that I can understand her. She seems to have a lot to say. Yesterday, she pulled herself up onto the ottoman and started using the TIVO remote to fast-forward through the parts of Sesame Street she doesn’t like in order to watch what she does like: Elmo’s World. She has more toys than she knows what to do with. Between her first birthday and Christmas, she now has enough to fill five rooms: her bedroom, the living room, the rec room, Mom & Dad’s family room, and your parent’s living room. She is the most beautiful baby in the world. Fortunately, she gets her looks from you!

The Pittsburgh Steelers are having one of the best seasons in the history of the NFL. It’s very exciting to see them finish the season at 15-1, with their new rookie QB, Big Ben Roethlisberger, undefeated in 13 starts. I think they’re Super Bowl bound. Your Redskins, unfortunately, didn’t have a great season, despite the return of Joe Gibbs. Maybe next year will be better. The Maryland Terps football team struggled, too, but I’m hopeful that the basketball team will do well in the highly competitive ACC, despite a blowout loss to the Tar Heels over the weekend. Ward Burton, our favorite NASCAR driver, had a disappointing season in the Netzero car and was unceremoniously let go. He doesn’t have a new ride yet, and I don’t have that same feeling of excitement as the new season approaches next month without him.

I continue to struggle with things. Life is not the same. I find myself just sort of sleepwalking through my days. Work is stressful at times. Being a supervisor is not as much fun as cartography, but at least everyone is fun to work with. I actually have found that I look forward to coming to work again, sometimes, so that’s good. I’m dealing with a few health issues that have me scared, though I know everything will be fine. Everything was easier when we went through these things together. I trust that God will continue to take care of me, and us.

Mom & Dad, your parents, and Angie continue to help me care for Melody, and Lauren is continuing as Melody’s nanny. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I pray continuously for your parents, knowing how much they’ve lost, but I’m so thankful that they are involved in my and Melody’s lives. Your friends, Kristen and Elizabeth, come by weekly to visit. Cherish, Jennifer, Cherice, Melissa, Addie, Nancy, Carol, Irene, and Michelle check in with me often, as well, and I appreciate all that they do for us. Many friends from my past have re-entered my life and I enjoy opportunities to get together with them: Tucker, Darrell, Kirk & Jim.

I went to the cemetery last week for the first time since they placed the monument on your gravesite. The monument is very nice, as is the location. While I was there, it was cold, overcast and rainy, which kind of fit my mood that day. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and re-live the happy moments of our time together. I know that’s impossible, but I’m glad to have so much video tape and pictures, and all of our emails to each other over the five + years we were together, to remember you.

This past weekend was the annual Ya-ya Christmas party. You were greatly missed, but we had a good time. It’s not the same without you, though. Your friends are so wonderful to me, and to Melody. Kristen, Elizabeth, Cherish, Jennifer & Rob (and newborn Alana) overloaded us both with gifts. I appreciate them, and their friendship, so much. I’ve noticed just how important it is to have them in my life, since they help me remember you. They tell me stories about you from before we met. And they aren’t just your friends anymore. They are mine, too.

As much as I enjoy spending time with all of these people, I still have a huge void in my life. I miss you so much! Ours was such a perfect marriage. Even if I wanted to, I’m reluctant to pursue other relationships because of my feelings for you. It’s hard for me to imagine starting all over again with a new relationship. But I don’t like being alone, and I don’t like that Melody doesn’t have a Mom now. I miss being able to do “couple” things. I miss dining out with you, and going out to the movies with you, and taking trips together. None of these things are fun to do alone. It’s so hard seeing so many happy couples everywhere. And I don’t like being a single father. Our time together was just too short. I will trust the Lord to guide me and help me through this. I know, through Him, everything will be fine.

Thank you for making me so happy, my Dear. God allowed us to experience His love for us in the love we shared as husband and wife. Through that love, you helped me to be a better man, husband, and father. As Melody’s Mom, you shaped the foundation of her development into the smart, wonderful little girl she is, and we have tried to carry forward with her as you taught us. We will love you forever, my dear!

Eric
1/10/05

Melody's First Big Trip

No real rhyme or reason, but here's another essay, this one from October 11, 2005, describing the first trip I ever took with Melody.  Enjoy!


I wanted to share with you the details on my first trip with Melody, just the two of us. It was very eventful! It was an overnight trip to Ocean City, MD. I made reservations at one of our favorite hotels on the boardwalk and Melody and I would plan to leave following work on Friday, with a return on Saturday. Unfortunately, as the day got closer, the weather forecast got worse and worse. On Friday, it was supposed to rain all day, but there was hope it might clear out by Saturday morning. We went ahead with our plans. I thought we might be able to visit with my first boss, JB and his wife, too.

The day started on Friday with Lauren bringing Melody into my office. It was raining very hard, so I met them in the parking garage and I brought Melody in, giving Lauren the afternoon off. We had to go to the Security Desk in the lobby so Melody could get an "official" visitors pass (we spent the rest of the day calling it her "badge"). We went around to see several people and say hello, then we had lunch at my desk. She had french toast, her second french toast meal of the day (Grammy made it for her for breakfast, too).

We left the office at 1:30, about 30 minutes later than planned, but everyone at work wanted to see Melody before we left. We hit a wall of cars on Colesville Road heading out of downtown Silver Spring, so I phoned the office to let everyone know that rush hour might be bad. Gary answered and confirmed the traffic problems and said the power was out at several signals. I immediately headed for the back streets and made our way over to Piney Branch and New Hampshire Ave. to get around the traffic and onto the Beltway.

Melody had fallen asleep at this point. That's when I began to worry. I should have used the bathroom before we left the office. I knew I wouldn't make it all the way to Ocean City without needing to stop, and I wondered how I might stop with Melody sleeping. I didn't want to wake her, but I certainly didn't want to leave her in the car by herself. I decided to head for home. It was a little bit out of the way, but as long as traffic was moving, we should be able to stop and hit the road again with only a short delay. Unfortunately, traffic was very heavy on I-95 north and it took much longer than expected. When we got to my house, Melody was still asleep, so I left the radio on with the engine off and rushed in to take care of business.

Back on the road, we headed for the Bay Bridge and the Eastern Shore. We hit a major traffic jam at the bridge, right around 3 p.m., just as JB called on my cell phone. He was surprised we were only at the bridge, and doubly surprised that I actually went to work this morning, but we planned for me to call him after we checked into our hotel and Melody and I would go out to visit with him and his wife this evening. Melody woke up from her nap at about this time, too. Her first word was, "Monkees." She really likes the Monkees music and T.V. show, and she's been watching the DVDs a lot recently. So, I put in a Monkees CD for us to listen to. Traffic began to clear out and we crossed the bridge and went on our merry way. Melody was in good spirits and we talked and sang all the way to OC.

We arrived in OC at around 5:30 or so and made our way to the hotel. I pulled in, parked, and got out my paperwork for the hotel. This was the first time I noticed a problem: my reservation was for Sunday night, not Friday!!! I screwed up! After traveling through 39 states, 3 countries, and 5 provinces, this was the first time I had ever made a mistake like this. I panicked a little, wondering what we should do. Melody was oblivious and seemed to be quite happy, though after 4 hours in a car seat, I could see she was anxious to get out. I checked and found out the hotel was booked solid, and there was a classic car show going on in OC for the weekend, so rooms might be scarce.

I figured we first needed to get some dinner. Melody and I were both hungry. I stopped at the Bull On The Beach and we went in and ate. Then I phoned Expedia, with whom I made the reservation, to see if they could help me find another room (and cancel my reservation for Sunday). I got lucky and we found a room at another hotel, though it was going to cost twice what the first one cost. We worked our way through OC to our new hotel. Everything went smoothly at check-in and we unpacked and got comfortable in our room. It was now after 7 p.m. I knew there was no way Melody would be able to handle another ride in the car tonight, so I called JB to let him know we would not be able to make it over. I think they were disappointed, as were we, and I shared my story about messing up the reservation. He told me that we should have called him, since they have a very nice, very large home and we could have stayed with them, but I really didn't want to inconvenience them. Unfortunately, he had to work all day Saturday, so we would not be able to see them on this trip.

Melody and I decided to take a walk over to the attached mall and get some ice cream, so off we went. The mall seemed to already be set up for the off-season, as a lot of stores were closed, including the ice cream place, so we went back to the hotel restaurant, a Denny's. We walked in and noticed right away that it was not very busy. Everyone looked at us as we walked in, including the staff, making me just a tad uncomfortable. We waited for a table, but, after 10 minutes of waiting, no one came to seat us. I told Melody in a moderately loud voice that we would go somewhere else, and nobody stopped us from leaving. We found some ice cream in the lobby snack store and went back to our room.

We watched a little television until I noticed the clock said 10:05. It was later than I thought. So Melody and I got ready for bed. Another disappointment from the reservation mess up was that, instead of a nice, big King-sized bed that I had reserved, we were stuck with 2 double beds. Because Melody is a gymnast while she sleeps, and I needed to sleep on one side of the bed to keep her from tumbling off, we were looking at some pretty tight quarters. I placed two chairs next to the bed on one side, and laid down on the other. Melody wouldn't be able to fall out unless she did a pole vault. I took off my watch and discovered that either my watch was an hour slow (doubtful), or the hotel clock was wrong and we were in bed much earlier than I thought (likely). Oh, well, we needed the sleep after the long trip in the car. We washed up, put on our PJs, read a few books, said our prayers, and went to sleep.

I woke up at around 1 a.m. with a foot in my face. I woke up again at 2:30 with a knee in my stomach. At 3:30, the blankets were gone and I was literally on the edge of the bed, clutching my pillow to keep from falling. Melody was still sleeping soundly, sideways in the bed. At 7 a.m., I decided I had had enough sleep, and so I grabbed a shower and got dressed. Melody awoke a short time later and seemed very happy. We had a leisurely morning, got ready, and headed out for breakfast. We decided to skip Denny's and look for something a little nicer.

Outside, it looked like a hurricane! Wind and rain beat down on us and we ran to our car. Melody clutched her hood in her hands to keep it over her head, as the wind tried to grab it all the way to the car. Once there, we headed out to the Dough Roller for breakfast.  Melody and I enjoyed our french toast (again!) and omelette, and the friendly attention of the waitress, a result of Melody's "cuteness factor", I guess. At least, that's what the waitress kept saying. After we ate, we went back to our hotel. It was still raining hard and the wind was howling. We had to park pretty far from the hotel, since everyone eating at Denny's was taking up all of the closer parking spaces. This time we used the umbrella, though we almost lost it due to the wind and it didn't really keep us very dry. We packed up and checked out, rushing back to the car to keep from getting too wet.

Rather than just head for home, we decided to make the best of the situation and go to the boardwalk and see what was open. Unfortunately, not much was open. We went to one of the arcades and spent about an hour in there. Melody won a bunch of tickets playing skeeball, so she traded them in for a little plastic bracelet. The girl working at the counter gave Melody a noise-making rattle, too, another result of the "cuteness factor", I guess. We also had a few cheesy pictures taken in one of those little photo booths, which will be a nice souvenir of our weekend.

We braved the elements once more and found that the kiddie playland indoor rides were open. This meant we could ride on the carousel, which Melody enjoyed a great deal. However, I lost her pacifier when I wrestled it out of her mouth for a picture, and it landed somewhere underneath the ride. Melody was distracted enough by her enjoyment of the ride to notice. We rode a few more rides before deciding we really needed to get some lunch and hit the road before we got too close to nap time.

Too late! We got in the car and drove over to Applebee's for lunch. Melody decided she didn't want to go in. I said we were going in. She said no. This set the stage for a battle of wills that became quite ugly. We went in to the restaurant and the hostess took us to our table. Melody would have none of this, and began to yell quite loudly, bringing every eye in the place squarely on us. I apologized to the hostess and told her we would not be staying. We went back to the car. Melody said, "No! Eat lunch!" I said, "No, we're leaving." She began to physically fight me to keep me from putting her back in her car seat. It was quite a struggle. I knew we couldn't go anywhere unless she was in her seat, and she knew it, too. After a few kicks to the face (mine, not hers), I got her buckled in.  Then we hit the road for home.  I was wiped out! A few minutes later, I looked in the mirror and she was fast asleep. I knew that this episode occurred only because she was so tired. She is such a good little girl!

The rest of the trip was uneventful and we headed for home. Overall, it was a nice trip, despite the poor weather and hotel situation. I was very encouraged by Melody's ability to travel in the car for such a long distance, too. I look forward to many more trips

Honoring Mommy

Still going through old files and came across this little essay I wrote describing how Melody and I spent the four-year anniversary of my wife's death by honoring her memory on a trip through her history.  Written on April 19, 2008:


Today, four years after Teresa's home-going, Melody and I spent the day honoring Teresa's memory by traveling and visiting places of significance to her life.

We started the day by driving to Reservoir High School, where Teresa taught from 2002 until her passing. The memorial garden was filled with blooming flowers and Melody ran around enjoying the beautiful weather.

Next, we stopped by Howard County General Hospital, where I explained to Melody that this was where she was born (it was also where Teresa was taken the night she passed). We didn't go any further than the lobby, and before she could start asking too many questions about the whole birthing thing, we headed out to our next location.

Next, we went to Rocky Run, the location of several of Teresa's birthday celebrations. Melody and I enjoyed lunch, then we went to the store to get some sunscreen (we were starting to get a little too much sun with the top down on the car -- the weather was warm and beautiful!).

Next, we went to Mt. Hebron High School, which is where Teresa began teaching. Following her death, the students there planted a tree in her memory, however the tree has apparently been removed. Unfortunately, Melody fell asleep and took a nap during the next part of our journey.

Melody awoke as we approached our next destination, Crest Lawn Memorial Gardens, where Teresa's body was laid to rest. Melody asked lots of questions about death, and why Teresa's body was here, and how could she be in Heaven, too? It was a pleasant, though sad time, and Melody gave me a long hug as we said our goodbyes to "Mommy."

We enjoyed the next part of our drive, down Rt. 97 towards Rockville. We drove by Montrose Baptist Church, where Teresa and I were married. There appeared to be a service going on, so Melody and I were not able to go into the church. Melody was disappointed about that, but after explaining where we were going next, she got excited.

We then headed over to the University of Maryland, in College Park, where Teresa and I both attended (at different times, and we didn't know each other until several years later). We parked near the Student Union and Melody & I visited the Jim Henson memorial, which is a statue of Jim Henson and Kermit the Frog. After we walked around the Union, we went over to McKeldin Mall and Melody and I stopped by the statue of Testudo, the Terrapin. I explained to Melody about the tradition of rubbing Testudo's nose for good luck. Then we walked down to the ODK fountain, which has Teresa's name engraved on it. Next, Cole Field House, but there was a cheerleading competition going on, so we couldn't go in (at least, without paying $20). We walked around Cole to see Byrd Stadium (though Melody tripped on a curb and didn't feel like walking around anymore). We continued our tour by car, and we drove around campus, checking out the dorms Teresa lived in while she was a student, and stopping by Comcast Center, where the Terps basketball teams play. We parked again near Rt. 1 and got some ice cream at the Cold Stone Creamery. After we ate, we headed north on Rt. 1 to Laurel.

We made one last stop at Crestleigh, the apartment complex where Teresa lived with Kristen after she graduated from U of MD, and before Teresa and I were married. Then we stopped at Ledo's for a pizza before heading home.

We miss Mommy so much, and wish we could have had more time with her. We understand God had other plans, and we are content with the knowledge that we will see her again. We're also thankful for all of the wonderful memories and pictures we have of Teresa and her life with us. It's hard to believe it's been four years already. But we will never forget the significance of today, and we want to honor Teresa's memory by celebrating her life. Today was just such a celebration.

Today Show Essay

I've been going through a bunch of files on my old PC and came across the following essay written by my wife, Teresa, shortly after our daughter, Melody, was born.  Teresa was suffering from severe exhaustion that, in hindsight, can be linked to the heart issues that eventually took her life, but we didn't know that at the time she wrote this.  The TODAY Show was having some kind of contest, which is why Teresa wrote this, but she never submitted it.  I posted it on her memorial website at mem.com, and am reproducing it here.  And I'm convinced that Melody has been inspired by her mom.  Enjoy!

            When I first heard about this contest on The Today Show, I was sitting in my living room with my mother nursing my four-week-old baby girl.  I looked at my mom and looked at Melody Grace and thought, “Inspire me?  All this child has done is drain me…of sleep, of energy, of time.”  I was in the middle of a textbook case of the baby blues.  However, now, four weeks later, I see a different picture; I have been inspired by my baby girl the way only a baby can inspire.

            I sat this morning as she napped in my arms and held my hand with her two little ones and thought of all the inspiration she brings.  A new baby represents hope, and I have so much hope for our future when I look into her blue eyes.  As I watch my parents effortlessly turn into grandparents, I see that she has inspired them to laughter, youthfulness and fun.  As I place my infant into my dying grandfather’s arms and see his whole demeanor change, I see how she inspires healing and smiles.  Even as I interrupt the writing of this essay to answer her cries, I realize that she is daily inspiring me:  to prioritize, to be a better mother, to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better woman, and hopefully, to one day inspire her right back.

--Teresa Shirlen Freed, January 8, 2004

GO ON Going On

There's a new show on NBC called GO ON, starring Matthew Perry.  He plays Ryan, a radio sportscaster whose wife recently died, and who now finds himself in a support group made up of a strange group of people who each have experienced a loss.  It's a unique subject for a comedy, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  However, it definitely has its funny moments.  In the pilot episode, Ryan attends the support group for the first time, and arrives before the group leader/counselor, and he rallies the whole group to play a single-elimination bracket tournament (a la March Madness), where each person goes up against another and has 15 seconds to garner the most sympathy for his or her situation.  The "winner" is a middle-aged Hispanic woman who apparently speaks very little English, and no one understands her rambling in Spanish, but assumes it must be a very sad story.  She beats out the elderly African-American gentleman who made it to the final by continuing to harp on the fact that, not only did his wife pass away, he's blind.  My description does not do it justice.  I laughed out loud.

I like the show from the standpoint that it can take such a serious topic, death, and create comedy without necessarily making fun of it.  Sure, the characters are kind of thin (television just can't create complex supporting characters anymore), and some of the jokes are a bit out there, but the show's heart seems to be in the right place.  I get it.

I wrestle with the term "go on" occasionally, even though I am eight and a half years removed from experiencing the death of my wife.  After she died, I found myself reading every book I could find on death and losing a spouse, and every one had the same bottom line advice:  Life goes on, time will bring healing.  I found myself trying to figure out how to go on with my life, and I just couldn't shake the grief.  I found myself sinking further and further into a hole of depression, and I didn't know what to do.  I never lost my faith, and I always felt God was with me, but that knowledge just didn't translate into something I could grasp to pull me out of that hole.

I hit rock bottom about a year after Teresa's death.  I realized I needed to reach out, and I did by sending out a plea in the form of an email to my pastor friends.  I feel really blessed to know so many pastors, and many answered my call in different ways.  Some offered prayer, some passed along phone numbers of medical professionals I could call, and still another, a long-time family friend, even offered to accompany me to a doctor to talk about my situation.  Only one, my current pastor, called and said we should get together and just talk.  And we did, the very next day.  To this day, I still recall that conversation and sincerely believe that Mark helped me on my path of recovery.  He helped me realize that I needed to help myself before I could do anything about the other areas of my life that were causing me to fall into that hole.  His advice triggered something in me that allowed me to figure out how to "go on."

A few weeks after our conversation, I found myself going through one of my wife's old purses, cleaning it out so that I could donate it, along with a lot of her other things, to the Salvation Army.  In a pocket in that purse I found a small, square sheet of paper, on which was written in my wife's distinctively "teacher-style" handwriting, the following verse:  "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast." - I Peter 5:10.  I was immediately struck by the powerful message of these words, and felt as if my wonderful wife had written this note directly to me.  And the tears came.  And through sobs I thanked the Lord for allowing me to find this little piece of paper, and for giving me such a wonderful marriage, as short as it was, and for helping realize that I didn't have to "get over" her death to "go on."  Her death was a part of me; it is and always will be a part of who I am.  By trying to get over it, I was trying to erase that part of my life in order to move on, which is impossible.  But by accepting it as a part of me, as a part of my life story, I am able to go on.  This was an important realization, and brought about true healing.

So the lesson here is that you don't, can't, and shouldn't try to get over those painful, tragic events that occur over the course of our lives.  They are what makes me "me", and you "you".  You need these experiences to complete who you are, no matter how painful they may be.  And, ultimately, they allow you to GO ON. 

I Hate Online Dating

So I decided to give online dating another try.  I'm not desperate, but I was encouraged by my boss and a few other people in my office to re-visit it, but on a different site than the ones I've tried before.  So, I started praying about it and, last week, I signed up with Christian Mingle.

Almost immediately, I was sent a message from someone who did not have a picture attached to their profile. Experience has shone me that individuals who don't have a picture generally don't look like the person described in their profile.  I was intrigued enough by the message to notice that they had a link attached to their profile that said to click on it to see their picture.  So I did.  It took me back to the login screen for the website.  I thought that this was a little strange, especially after I attempted to login and it didn't work.  So I just closed it out and began to explore the site for prospective dates.  Shortly, though, I got an email from Christian Mingle asking if I had changed my email address.  I went back to my profile and noticed that my pictures were gone, much of my information had changed, and it became clear that my profile had been hijacked.  Likely by the picture-less individual who had initially contacted me.  I called the Christian Mingle help line, which I really didn't want to do (bad enough I'm on a dating site, but now I had to actually talk to a live human being who would know what I wrote and posted about myself.  I could only imagine that person thinking, "What a loser...").  Well, "Jason" confirmed that my profile was hijacked, and told me how to fix it, which was to basically start over with a whole new profile.  Wonderful.

So I've been on this site for a week and I've already learned a few things.  First of all, I'm seeing many of the same faces I saw on Match.com and on eHarmony.  These are the same women that I've already rejected, or who rejected me.  Oh, there were lots of others, too, but this was just one of the things I noticed.  Second, I started getting "Smiles" (similar to "Winks" on other sites) emailed to me.  Unfortunately, 100% of these smiles were from women who, for whatever reason, neglected to read all the way through my profile to find out what kind of date I was looking for, since none of them matched my preferences.  At all.  Not even close.  The biggest offenders were those who were well outside my age preference.  I'm 43, and many of these women were in their 50s and 60s.  I even got one from a 78 year old!  I also requested that they at least live within 50 miles of my home town.  I continue to get smiles and messages from women well outside this 50 mile limit.  Florida.  Louisiana.  Michigan.  Massachusetts.  Even California!  What really gets me is that I don't even fit THEIR preferences!  I'm pretty good at geography.  Maryland isn't within 50 miles of Los Angeles or Miami.

Then there are the women who, once I've gently and kindly rejected them, send me a return message and want to know why I'm rejecting them.  It's hard enough to have to reject anyone, and keep in mind these are people who I have no relationship with other than them contacting me to let me know they're interested in me.  I don't really owe them anything.  Why is this so important for them to know?  So I've been truthful in my replies. "You don't fit my profile preferences. And it appears that I don't fit yours, either.  I'm guessing that means we aren't a good match."

The biggest issue I have with these sites (and, really, the issue is with the women on the sites, not the sites themselves) is that the women that I have an interest in and send messages to NEVER reply!  I've learned that I have to be proactive and initiate contact, especially since I and most Christians understand that men need to be the initiators.  I'm a bit old fashioned anyway, so I get it.  I also know that I'm not necessarily the best catch out there.  I know I'm not hideous looking, and I'm not the most out-going guy around, but I know I'm at least above average in intelligence and I've got a great career.  I'm a fairly nice guy.  But I haven't gotten one reply yet to the nine messages I've sent out.

Anyway, I've taken to documenting some of my frustrations on Twitter, and I'll share a few of my tweets at the end of this entry.  If you care to offer advice, or encouragement, please feel free to comment.  I'd appreciate prayers most of all.  Thank you!

Went on a lunch blind date recently. Good time, ended well. Got back to the office & she had already sent me an It's Not You It's Me email.

"It's not you, it's me" really means "It's you."

Hate hate hate online dating.... but I just signed up. Soliciting advice. May need references. Hope my luck will change. Trusting God, too.

I think I'm too old for this dating stuff. In fact, I'm finding out I'm too old for a LOT of stuff. #SlightyOutOfShapeMiddleAgedDad

Wow, do I hate online dating. #AreYouSureYouReadMyProfile?#HateToBeSoPickyBut,,,#NOTHINGInCommonSoWhyDidYouContactMe? #YouLiveWhere?

A 78 year old woman "smiled" at me. #OnlineDating#AreYouKiddingMe!?! #AlmostDoubleMyAge

Should I be at all concerned that women in their mid-60s & 70s are checking out my profile? #HateOnlineDating

Well, it's a step in the right direction... latest connections are at least in their late 40s/early 50s. Still #HateOnlineDating

So by ignoring my preferences, are these women just hoping I'll come around or should I be taking a chance on older women?#HateOnlineDating

Amazing how many people take pics of themselves in their bathroom mirror. #HateOnlineDating

Age & distance preferences don't seem to matter much to some women looking for a date, I guess. #HateOnlineDating

I'm not looking for perfection, but I'm certainly not desperate, either. Where are the ones who are perfect for me? #HateOnlineDating

I know I'm not necessarily a great catch, but why is it the only women who are interested in me don't interest me?#HateOnlineDating

I hope these women know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm just not the beholder that's finding their beauty.#HateOnlineDating

Teresa Goes to be with the Lord

Monday, April 19, 2004, seemed like any other day. I awoke early, got ready, walked and fed Scout, our Maltese Pup, and kissed and said goodbye to my wonderful wife, Teresa, before heading to work. I had a short phone conversation around 9 or so that morning with Teresa, though I don’t remember much about it. She later sent an email containing digital pictures of Melody, which she sent to me, and our parents, daily.

During my trip home, I called Teresa via cell phone and we decided I would stop at the grocery store and pick up stuff for grilling out for dinner that evening. After stopping there, I came home. Homecomings were always exciting since Teresa looked forward to me helping out with Melody and Scout, I looked forward to seeing my wonderful wife after a long day at the office, and Scout always seemed excited to see me no matter how long I was gone. Melody had reached the age, at 5 months, where she knew me when she saw me, and she gave me a big smile when I arrived home.

After settling in, changing clothes, etc., and talking about how our days went, we proceeded to get dinner prepared. Teresa shucked corn on the cob; I got the burgers and hot dogs ready, and started the grill. Melody watched us work around her. It was a fine meal, one that was repeated often when the weather was nice. It was a beautiful day, too, with humidity at a comfortable level despite the warm temperatures.

After our meal, Teresa went upstairs to clean up while I watched Melody. I determined that it was much too nice of an evening to work in the yard, which is what I had planned to do for the evening. I had put it off for so long, but knowing our homeowners association would be doing their annual reviews soon, I knew it had to be done. I came up with an alternate plan for the evening, though, and took Melody upstairs with me to tell Teresa. We decided to take Melody and Scout out and get some ice cream, then go to a park and walk around and enjoy the nice weather.

We piled into our Jeep and headed down the road at around 6:45. About 2 miles later, we remembered that we forgot to get the “Snuggly” to carry Melody in, so we rushed back to the house to get it. It was in the other car, so I just hopped out, retrieved it, and we headed back down the road.

We drove up Gorman Road towards US 29, a rural, twisting, and bumpy road. I remember turning to look at Teresa, sitting in the back seat, with Melody in her infant seat and Scout on her lap, after a particularly bad bump, and asking her if she was okay. She said she felt a little nauseous, so I slowed a bit. I don’t know why I was in such a hurry, except that we noticed the clouds rolling in and our daylight wouldn’t last as long as we thought.

We stopped at a popular little ice cream shop in Clarksville. Teresa stayed in the Jeep with the kids, and I hopped in line. I got Teresa a waffle cone with chocolate ice cream, and I had a mint chocolate chip milkshake. Both were very messy and I asked for a cup to put the cone in. I got back into the Jeep and Teresa enjoyed her ice cream. My shake was too thick to drink, so I placed it in the cup holder to allow it to melt a little.

We decided at this point to drive to Reservoir High School, where Teresa worked, instead of going to a park, because it was getting dark, and we figured there might be a sporting event at the school that we could watch. I drove us down Rt. 108 to Rt. 216 to the school in Fulton.

I parked on the left side of the school, and we proceeded to try to put Melody in the Snuggly, which I wore since Teresa said Melody was getting too heavy for her to carry. This was a bit of a challenge because Melody would fuss until she was comfortably in the Snuggly and we were walking around. We accomplished this and Teresa got Scout’s leash and walked her.

We saw some activity on a few of the fields, so the four of us walked over to see what was going on. It appeared to be softball practice, perhaps, and soccer practice, though the kids playing looked much younger than high school age. We turned around and walked to the front of the school. Teresa had noticed that Addie’s car was out front. Addie was the principal and Teresa’s boss. We thought, if she wasn’t busy, she might like to see Melody.

We walked to the main entrance to try the door, but it was locked. We started back towards the parking lot, and Teresa noticed the light was on in Addie’s office, so I suggested she knock on her window. Teresa walked over to the window with Scout, while I stayed out on the sidewalk with Melody so that Addie would see me if she came to the window. Addie might not see Teresa because of the angle she was at, between the bushes and the building. Teresa asked, with a smile on her face, if I thought she should knock, since, I think, she thought Addie might be busy or with someone, but I said, egging her on, “Sure.” I looked down and to the side for just a moment, possibly to see if anyone else was around, and when I looked back at Teresa, she had collapsed on the ground. Not knowing what happened, I rushed over to her. I thought, initially, that she had tripped on the bushes, or maybe hit her head on the brick wall. I knelt beside her and looked at her face. Her eyes were staring blankly straight ahead, and she wasn’t breathing, though she let out long gasps every few seconds. Her eyes began to glaze over and slowly close. I knew something was terribly wrong.

Addie opened the window and I asked her to call 911, and to see if anyone knew CPR. Melody, still strapped to my stomach, began to cry. Scout was standing beside us, but Teresa lay on top of her leash, so she couldn’t go anywhere. I kept talking to Teresa, telling her to wake up, and even smacked her cheeks lightly, thinking that might bring her to consciousness. Addie ran out of the building, handed her cell phone to me so I could talk to the 911 operator, and she took Melody out of the Snuggly so that I could give my full attention to Teresa. I was afraid to move Teresa because I didn’t know what happened to her, thinking she maybe had hit her head or something. The operator began to ask many questions and talk me through CPR. At that moment, a lady came running up and said she knew CPR, and she began administering it on Teresa (I later found out she was a nurse). The operator continued to talk to me and told me to encourage her to continue administering CPR. I remember looking up the sidewalk and seeing Addie trying to comfort Melody, who was crying quite loudly.

It seemed to take forever, but the paramedics finally arrived. I hung up the phone with the operator and the paramedics quickly moved Teresa over to the sidewalk. One paramedic expressed his displeasure after getting tangled in Scout’s leash and yelled at me, and I yelled right back that Teresa had fallen on top of the leash and we couldn’t get it out of the way until she was moved. He seemed to understand and changed his tune.

I watched as the paramedics shocked Teresa a couple of times with the defibrillators before a police officer asked me to step inside the school. A crowd had gathered by this time, including much of the school’s custodial staff and some students, as well as other passersby. One of the custodians took care of Scout for me.

I tried calling my parents on my cell phone, but there was no answer. I left a message and tried calling the Shirlens. They weren’t home either. The police began asking me questions about what had happened and I tried to answer them as well as I could. I kept looking outside to see what was going on, but I couldn’t see Teresa over the crowd. I was bothered that they had not taken her to the hospital yet. I felt this numbing tingle in my stomach and mid-section, much like when your foot falls asleep. I started to hyperventilate, but I tried to keep my wits about me.

The paramedics finally placed Teresa in the ambulance, and I gave Addie my phone list and told her to keep trying to call my parents and the Shirlens. I also gave her the keys to the Jeep and told her Melody’s diaper bag was in it. I left Melody and Scout with her and rode with a police officer behind the ambulance to Howard County General Hospital. I remember being puzzled that the ambulance was not going faster to the Hospital, but I kept holding out hope that everything would be fine. In fact, I was concerned about feeding Melody because Teresa might have to stay in the hospital for a few days.

My cell phone rang and it was Teresa’s mom, Lynda. She was very upset and I tried to tell her what happened. I don’t remember much of the conversation except that Jim, Teresa’s dad, got on the phone and I talked to him, too. They were on their way to the hospital.

I asked the police officer if he was a Christian. He said he was Catholic. I asked him to pray.

The officer parked on the side of the building next to the ambulance bays and I jumped out and started towards the ambulance. He stopped me, though, and went ahead to find out what was going on. They didn’t seem to want me to see her. I thought maybe she had a lot of wires and tubes connected to her and maybe that’s why they didn’t want me to see her. He then led me around to the main ER entrance. He said I should wait there while he talked to the desk nurse. I remember looking around and noticing a lot of people looking at me, but also thinking that I shouldn’t have to wait there because Teresa was already inside.

A few minutes later, he led me to a little room just off of the main ER. He asked me to wait there, and then asked if I needed anything to drink. I said, “Water,” and he left. I looked around the little room, with its little round table, several chairs, and little couches, and a Bible in the middle of the table. I began to panic, figuring this was the type of room where they give you bad news. I picked up the Bible and read a few verses, and I prayed to God that Teresa would be all right. I was still very panicked, so I tried calling my parents cell phone and reached my Mom. I think she could tell I was panicked because she immediately tried to comfort me. I don’t remember much of the conversation except that they were headed to the school to get Melody and Dad would then come to the hospital.

The officer brought a cup of water and asked if I needed anything else. I needed to use the rest room, so he led me back out to the main waiting room. Afterwards, I quickly rushed back to the little room hoping someone would give me more information. A hospital administrator came in and asked a lot of personal questions about Teresa and I gave her our insurance card. The officer came back and I asked him if someone could give me more information about what was happening. He left to find someone. Eventually, a man and a woman came in. The man was a doctor, the woman a hospital employee, from what I could tell. The doctor explained that, when Teresa arrived, the paramedics had been working on her for some time, but there was nothing they could do, that Teresa had passed away. I was in disbelief. My hope had evaporated, and all I could think about was poor Melody losing her mother at such an early age. The tears came and I began sobbing. The woman tried to comfort me, but I was pretty upset.

Then I heard an anguished scream from outside the door. It was Lynda. She rushed in and we tried to comfort each other. Jim came in a few minutes later. We tried to piece together what had happened as reality began to really hit home. After a few minutes, we asked if we could see Teresa, and we were led into the main ER room. They had closed the door to her room/bed, and we could only see her from a distance through the glass. They said that the police were still investigating and we couldn’t go in.

Carol and Marty A. came in around this time, followed shortly by Aunt Jody and my brother, Darren. Darren didn’t know she had died (actually, nobody did, and the news hit each one pretty hard as they found out), and he gave me a long, comforting, supportive hug, as did Jody. Many more began to show up: my parents, Jerry, Janice, Josh, Lauren, and Fred. Carol and Marty left to help with Melody at the school. Lynda and I sat outside Teresa’s room hoping for an opportunity to go in and be with her. The doctors and police wouldn’t let us, though. We went back to the little room to talk. Josh prayed. Nobody could believe this had really happened.

A little later, the detective assigned to the case called me into another little room and he explained that they would have to take Teresa’s body to the state morgue in Baltimore, and the medical examiner would do an autopsy. I asked if we could see her before they left, and he said we could not. He gave me Teresa’s shoes and her wedding band, the only jewelry she wore that evening. He gave me his contact information and offered his condolences.

I rejoined the family and we talked some more. Then we proceeded to the cars and everyone came back to our house. I rode with Jody and Fred. When we arrived, Ray and Margret were waiting for us. Gorham, our neighbor and a substitute teacher at the school, informed a few neighbors about what had happened. Addie had already called the entire school staff.

Shortly, Addie, Carol, and some other teachers came by with Melody, Scout, and our Jeep.

We all sat around and talked for a long time, well into the night.

I remember receiving a phone call at around 1:30 a.m. from the organ donor program. I was particularly upset that they would call at that hour. It seemed very insensitive to me.

Everyone went home a short time later. Mom & Dad stayed with me to help with Melody and Scout. I went to bed at around 2 or so.

I didn’t sleep much. I remember getting up to use the bathroom 3 or 4 times during the night. I know I was in shock. I certainly wasn’t rational. I couldn’t imagine what the next day would be like, or hour. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. And I kept visualizing what happened, over and over again, in my head. Every time I started to think about her really being gone, I got very nauseous. How could this happen? I remember looking at her side of the bed and thinking, we slept apart only 7 or 8 times, maybe, during our entire marriage! I felt so alone.

I got up around 6 or so. I knew today would be a hard day, as the task of letting people know what happened would take place. I remember first calling work and telling Donna, who was my supervisor a few years ago, and who would be one of the first people at work, what happened. That was a very hard call to make, and I know Donna was very upset over the news. She promised to let people know and that every thing would be taken care of at work, that I shouldn’t worry about anything. (I remember telling her that Brownsville Sectional was scheduled to go to the contractor that morning and was sitting on my desk, and that someone should move it to the pick-up area, and she told me to stop thinking about work.)

Melody awoke and seemed to take to the bottle very well. We had about 10 bags of breast milk that Teresa had pumped over the last few weeks, and we treated it like gold. We had given Melody a bottle a few times before, so it wasn’t a huge adjustment. We were more worried about her taking formula. She seemed oblivious to the turmoil we were feeling. Mom & Dad were so supportive. Scout seemed to sense something was wrong, and in the days ahead, she went into a bit of a depression.

Jim & Lynda came back over. I know there were other visitors, as well, including Linda H., who would provide so much support over the next few weeks, answering phones and bringing food.

I think I must have been in a daze, still, as I don’t really remember much else. I talked to the organ donor people for a very long time. They needed a complete medical history. Teresa was a donor and we agreed to go through with it. The person that called the night before was with a research organization that studied brain disorders, different than the “official” organ donation organization, and a second representative called to give me more information. They wanted a “healthy” brain to study. I was still upset by their phone call the night before and declined.

I remembered that my milkshake was still in the Jeep, obviously melted and certainly not very tasty anymore. Fortunately, it did not cause the car to stink.

Food began to arrive by the box full. And many visitors stopped by. Kristen and Elizabeth came by. Pastor Mark, from Grace Community Church, the church Teresa and I were attending, called and came by in the afternoon. We began thinking about and planning a funeral service, and details such as funeral home, cemetery, and things like that were discussed. Never in my life did I think that I would need to plan such things, at least at my age. Debby L. came by to help with funeral plans and support.

There were many phone calls. I remember talking to Jay, my boss; friend and co-worker Gary W.; cousins Paul & Dan; Lisa K, who I worked with for many years as a youth counselor; …each one offering prayers and emotional support.

Jim, Lynda, Mom, Dad and I went to Witzke Funeral Home and prepared things for Teresa’s funeral and burial, including casket choices, etc. Stephen, the director, took us through the entire process, and recommended a cemetery. I had to excuse myself at one point and broke down crying in the men’s room. I didn’t want to have to make these kinds of decisions, and I felt like the nightmare of losing Teresa was getting worse.

After making all of the funeral home arrangements, we went to Crest Lawn Memorial Gardens, a cemetery in Marriottsville. Again, the process of having to choose a burial plot and headstone was overwhelming. I felt nauseous. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. Less than 24 hours after eating dinner and going for a family outing, I was planning my wife’s funeral! Kathleen gave us a lot of information and we toured the cemetery and chose 2 plots in the “Garden of Gethsemane”, near the watchful eye of a statue of Jesus. It seemed appropriate, since Teresa had visited the actual Garden of Gethsemane while touring Israel a few years ago, before I met her. It was also at this time that I realized just how expensive a funeral and burial cost. I would spare no expense for Teresa, but I wondered, how could the average family afford all of this?

Many visitors were waiting for us to come home: Rev. George & Mary A., Irene & Stephen, and several others. Michelle & Kevin B. had stopped by, too, but had to leave before we arrived home. Ray & Margret and Dan & Kristy came by, too.

Tuesday evening, Jim’s entire Korean congregation, it seemed, came by and had a prayer service and sing-along. I was pretty wiped out by the end of the day and remember drifting off to sleep to the sounds of their singing.

In the days that followed, many more visitors came by. Aunt Pat brought breakfast and donuts one morning, and took care of the baby for much of that morning. A large delegation from Montrose Baptist Church stopped by, including Pastor Moussa, Mark & Darla H., Curtis S., and Mark D. Jun & Jen came by, as well as Joanne G., Sandy & Michelle, Brook & Jennifer, Gorham, Nancy C., Ginny P., Melissa & Marty P., Jennifer Z., Cherice D. (who has since provided so many tips for helping us care for Melody), and many, many more. I wish I could remember everyone, and I hope that no one is offended if I did forget. Lauren, from across the street, offered breast milk, as did Kristy. Nancy & Jay C. brought over a huge basket of diapers and baby formula.

Reservoir High wanted to start a scholarship fund in Teresa’s name, and the students wanted to have a college fund for Melody. The students at Mt. Hebron High, where Teresa taught before coming to Reservoir, planted a tree in her memory. The students, teachers and staff of both schools were very supportive.

I am so appreciative of the support of everyone, for providing food, support with Melody, and prayer. I was and still am overwhelmed.

Scout was groomed one afternoon, followed by an appointment with her doctor for an annual checkup the next day. I informed the doctor of what happened and that Scout seemed to be in a depression. We agreed that she was probably mourning. Scout was in good health otherwise, fortunately.

I picked out a red dress for Teresa to wear, which Lynda agreed was perfect for her. I had given it to her a few Christmas’s ago. She always looked great in red.

The funeral service came together nicely. We picked 6 gentlemen to be pallbearers: Gorham (our neighbor and a substitute teacher at the school), Gary B. (who Teresa knew from Montrose Baptist Church when they were in the youth group together), Darren (Teresa’s brother-in-law), Jerry L. (Teresa’s Godfather), Dan (my cousin and who introduced Teresa and I to each other), and Josh (Teresa’s only fraternal cousin). Jun agreed to sing the Lord’s Prayer, just as he did at our wedding. Mark, the pastor of Grace Community Church, will officiate at the church; Rev. George A. (my pastor from the church I grew up in, and who participated in our wedding ceremony) will say a prayer, read scripture, and officiate at the cemetery; and Addie (Teresa’s boss), Carol (Teresa’s long-time co-worker), Jennifer, Elizabeth, and Kristen (her three Ya-Ya friends from college), Ray (who officiated at our wedding), and several current and former students, will eulogize her. Two students wrote a rap song in her memory, which will be played. We planned to show the video of the photomontage from our wedding, in addition to pictures of key moments since then.

Thursday night was the first viewing at the funeral home. It was very overwhelming. Teresa, in some ways, didn’t look right, her mouth in particular. I kept reminding myself that it was just her body, not her. Her body was affected by the organ donations, as well. A thought popped into my head, after seeing her during those first few minutes, that Teresa did not live to experience her first Mother’s Day. That made me very sad. Rev. A. shared some scripture and thoughts, and prayed with us, the immediate family, before the doors were opened. It meant a lot to us. Lauren agreed to care for Melody at the funeral home, and that was much appreciated (weeks later, she offered to be Melody’s nanny. What an answered prayer she is!). It turned into a long evening for Melody, though, and we decided she would stay home the following evening.

Many relatives, friends, students, co-workers (hers and mine), and so many other people stopped by. I was drained by the end of the evening. It was so nice to see so many people, but I just hated that it was under these circumstances. It was also an emotional time for everyone.

A young lady introduced herself to me. Sara Z., a co-worker of Teresa’s, shared with me that she had lost her fiancé in a car accident a few years ago. Someone had shared a book with her, which she gave to me, about a man who lost his wife, mother, and daughter in a car accident, and how he was able to get his life back together through his faith. She said the book encouraged her so much. She is engaged again. She said Teresa was such an inspiration to her because of her faith, and she shared a lot of good advice with her about marriage.

I met a lot of Teresa’s former students, as well, and some parents of students she taught, and I enjoyed hearing stories they shared about her, including the “Quiz Song”, which she had sung to me several times before.

The next day, it was more of the same. Lisa K., who I worked with as a youth counselor for quite a few years, flew in from Cincinnati. She dropped by the house with an email letter from her daughter, Erin, mother of 3 young children, who lost her husband in a car accident a year-and-a-half ago. It was full of encouragement. Only someone who has been through something like this can possibly identify with what you’re going through.

At the funeral home, many more co-workers stopped by, as well as lots of family, many who came back for the evening viewing, as well. In between, much of the family came back to my house for a delicious dinner provided by one of Darren’s friends.

After a draining two days, the next day would be the hardest. That morning, I found a video drama that Teresa and I had performed on Easter Sunday 2000. I added it to the service so that Teresa could make an appearance at her funeral, and so that seeing her so alive would provide a better memory of her to those attending than the previous 2 days. The skit was one of the most well received that we had done while leading the drama team at Montrose.

Two limos, furnished by the funeral home, picked us up, with Mom & Dad, Jim & Lynda, Angie, Melody, and I in one car, and Jerry & Janice, Jody & Fred, Josh, Lauren, and Darren in the other. They took us to the funeral home for one last moment with Teresa. I placed the note from the bottle from our engagement at Sandy Point, along with a copy of TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, one of Scout’s balls, and a few pictures of Melody and I, in the casket with her. When a plaster handprint didn’t work, we received a lock of her hair.

The limos took us to Grace Community Church. There were well over 500 people attending! The service was so wonderful, and moving, and emotional, and eclectic, and musical, and memorable, and very spiritual. I’m sure it’s what Teresa would have wanted it to be, if it had to be at all. The service was audio and video taped, and I have since listened to the service over and over again, and I cry, laugh, and remember everything that was said every time.

It was one of the longest processions I’ve ever seen. Almost everyone who attended the funeral also went to the cemetery. The only thing I regret is that I was asked to ride in the hearse, when I would rather have ridden with the rest of the family in the limo. Still not sure why I was asked, nor why I agreed to it. It was not an enjoyable ride.

Rev. A. did a very moving graveside service, and, afterward, we each took a yellow rose, Teresa’s favorite, and walked back to the cars. It was a beautiful, sunny, breezy day, one I’m sure Teresa would have enjoyed.

We drove back to the church for a very nice luncheon and reception. Much of the family and close friends joined us. It was such a sad occasion, but a wonderful opportunity to spend time with our loved ones.

It was so nice of Grace Community Church to host the reception. They would provide me with a lot of support over the next few months. I still don’t know the names of so many that have helped me, but Pastor Mark and Debby & Jerry L. were wonderful.

The days to follow are almost harder, in a lot of ways. I have benefited from a wonderfully supportive family. Mom & Dad and Jim & Lynda, as well as Angie, have been with me constantly, mostly to help me with Melody’s care, but also so that we can support and love each other. I’m so appreciative of their thoughtfulness and support. I can’t do it without them, and I love them so much.

Melody seems to grow and evolve every day. I am humbled that this little girl, who I love so much, and who loves me so unconditionally, each day, when I arrive home from work, wants me to place her on my lap, and we sit on the couch and talk about our day (I talk, she babbles), perfectly content to just sit there, until, resting her head on my stomach, she drifts off to sleep for her afternoon nap. She is such a happy baby, and she has such a great demeanor. Her personality is really coming out, and she is such a little clown. She’ll cock her head sideways and gives me a big smile, and I just laugh and laugh. She looks so much like Teresa and I am thankful that God has blessed me, not only with a beautiful little daughter, but also a piece of Teresa. I love her so much.

My faith remains strong, though I miss Teresa so much, and the grief is overwhelming at times. It’s impossible to describe, losing someone who was so much a part of me. We did so much together, from our big road trips (through 38 states!) to our daily routines. We packed a lot into the almost 5 years we were married. She made me so happy, and I know she was happy. This impacts everything that I do and will do, though. The effect on Melody, too, is immense, losing her mother at such a young age. But I know we will get through it because God is taking care of us. As long as we are faithful to Him, He will continue to bless us. And I know that Teresa is in a better place, experiencing the riches in Heaven. She is the lucky one. We are the ones that have to live here without her.

Teresa was as wonderful as everyone has said. She was human, so she was not perfect. But she knew Jesus as her Savior, and that is why I know she is in Heaven. I miss her so much. But I also know that I will see her again one day.

Eric

June 2004

10 years ago...a proposal

February 13, 1999, was a crisp and cool Saturday morning. I woke up suddenly, like a kid on Christmas morning. It was Engagement Day. I was nervous, excited, and anxious. Today I would find out if Teresa would be my wife! I had bought the ring two weeks before. It was a diamond solitaire ring with a gold band. I learned all about the “Four C’s” that day: cut, clarity, color, and carat. I purchased the ring, which, at the time, was the most money I had ever spent on anything other than a car. It was worth it, though, if Teresa said, “Yes.”

My brother, Darren, and I had gone out the weekend before searching for the perfect spot for the proposal, one that afforded him an opportunity to videotape the whole thing from a distance and not be seen by Teresa, and within view of a lighthouse. Teresa loved lighthouses! Sandy Point State Park, right next the Bay Bridge on the Chesapeake Bay, and with the Sandy Point Shoal Lighthouse just off shore, was chosen.

Teresa got sick with a very bad cold about a week before the engagement. The poor girl missed several days of work, and we were not able to see each other for most of the week. Kristen, her roommate, took care of her while we were apart. I was anxious to see her, but she was feeling poorly and not at her best.

On Wednesday, I went to church and approached my future father-in-law, Jim, before the service that night, to ask for Teresa’s hand in marriage. He gave me his blessing and expressed his excitement about the whole thing. We had a wonderful conversation about what was to come. The Pastor walked by while we were talking and kidded us, since he had figured out why we were talking.

I picked up the ring on Thursday. It was beautiful, and would complement her perfectly. I stopped by Mom & Dad’s house to show them, and Mom and my sister, Angie, both loved it (and even tried it on)! That evening, I went to see Teresa for the first time all week. She still felt very weak, and was not 100%, but she wanted to see me. We had a nice Chinese dinner (lots of soup and hot tea) and watched a movie at her apartment in Laurel. I mentioned to her the birthday party for my friend’s year-old twins that we were going to on Saturday, and she assured me she was well enough to go. The ring was in my pocket when I kissed her goodnight, and as I drove home, I thought, “The next time I see her, I’ll be asking her to marry me!”

Saturday. I tried to stay calm and relaxed all morning, but I was so nervous. I talked to my friend, Darrell, and told him what was going on, and that we might be a little late arriving at his kid’s birthday party. He understood and was excited for us. I talked to my roommate and cousin, Dan, and told him about what I was planning. He was preparing for his own proposal to his girlfriend, which would take place the following week. He wished me luck and I headed out of our place in Montgomery Village to pick up Teresa.

The Plan was on. First, I called her to let her know that we needed to stop somewhere on the way to the party to pick up some shells. When trying to come up with a reason to get Teresa to Sandy Point, the only thing Darren and I could come up with was finding seashells. So I made up a story that Darrell was planning a game for the party involving shells, and had asked if we could pick some up on the way to the party. Teresa bought the story, so we were on our way.

I had the ring in my pants pocket, and during the drive to her place, it was burning a hole in my leg. When I arrived, she greeted me warmly. She was feeling a lot better, just a little bit of congestion, so I didn’t feel too guilty about taking her to the beach on a cold, windy February day. Our first stop was to my parent’s house in Bowie. I told Teresa that Darren, who worked at Lowe’s, might know where we could find some shells. (Mom & Dad had left that morning for a trip to visit family in PA.) Darren followed the script perfectly by telling us that Lowe’s didn’t have shells (they really do), but that we should go to Sandy Point beach and get some shells there. Teresa agreed that this sounded logical, so off we went. As soon as we had walked out the door, Darren and his girlfriend hopped into her car (which Teresa had never seen), and raced to Sandy Point ahead of us, while Teresa and I stopped for lunch.

We went to Burger King in Annapolis for a quick lunch. I was getting more and more nervous as the day wore on, so eating was not high on my list of things to do. I struggled through the meal and tried to keep it down after a trip to the rest room. Teresa still had no idea what was in store for her. In fact, we began having a discussion about our future. I played along by telling her that I thought some of her friends were putting a lot of pressure on us to get engaged. She agreed, and promised she didn’t feel the same way as them. She said she was comfortable with where our relationship was at, and I explained, trying to justify it, that we were still getting to know each other. We only started dating the previous May. She agreed. I was afraid I might be putting it on a bit too thick, but she seemed fine.

We hopped back into the car and rushed over to Sandy Point State Park. Because Darren and I had scouted out the place the week before, I knew exactly where to park. Darren and his girlfriend arrived about 30 minutes before us. We parked right next to their car, though neither of us knew it, and we got out. I suggested that we walk over to the beach area and look for the shells. We went over to a broad, sandy area right on the water. The lighthouse was straight ahead, just off shore in the Bay. I looked around for Darren, since I didn’t know exactly where he would be, to make sure he had arrived, but I didn’t see him. He later told me I looked directly at him several times, and he was afraid I would give him away. He was hiding behind a large tree at the edge of the beach, about 50 yards away (and there is a lot of video footage of the tree).

It was very cold and windy, but I didn’t notice. I was sweating profusely. Poor Teresa was bundled up in her heavy jacket and mitten, trying to sty warm, and looking around in the sand for shells, not suspecting a thing. I directed her towards an area of large rocks, right on the water, and we spotted a large bottle hidden between two large rocks (a bottle Darren had placed there before we arrived). I pointed out that the bottle looked like it had a note inside of it, and I picked it up, much to Teresa’s surprise (she thought it was garbage). I pulled out the cork and slid out the rolled paper from inside it. On it was written a note. I had written the note to her a few weeks earlier (on recycled nautical chart paper, to make it look authentic) with the intent of placing it in the bottle for Teresa to find. In the note, I outlined our entire relationship to that point, and mentioned how much I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. At the end, I had written, “Will you marry me?”

Teresa read the note while I stood next to her, holding it. She told me later that she recognized the handwriting as mine right away, but didn’t understand why it was there. It took her what seemed to me to be a long time (I had written too much, I think), and when she finished, she gave me a curious look, as if she was trying to figure out what was going on. I pulled the ring out of my pocket, which I had been fingering the entire time she was reading the note, and dropped onto one knee on the wet sand. She started to shake, and I don’t think it was because of the cold. I made a little speech, which I don’t remember at all, and asked her to marry me. The realization of what was happening began to hit her, and she took her mitten off and I slipped the ring on her finger. She started to cry and yelled, “YES!” And we hugged and kissed each other for the longest time. Then Darren jumped out of the woods whooping and hollering with the camera still running, perfectly capturing the moment with the lighthouse behind us. Teresa continued to cry tears of joy, and I got a bit misty eyed. I was sincerely happy. Happy that I had surprised her, happy that my plan had worked so well, happy that she said yes, and greatly relieved that it was over! And I was so happy that I was going to marry the sweetest, most wonderful young lady I had ever known!

As we drove away from Sandy Point, I laughed at Teresa as she kept looking at her hand and giggling. I told her we had a lot of planning to do. Because she was a teacher, it made the most sense to have the wedding during the summer. It certainly helped that Teresa had spent several years as a wedding planner/organizer while working at the Chapel at the University of Maryland, overseeing hundreds of weddings. Then it hit us: we still had a party to go to. We rushed over to my friend’s house and celebrated with friends and family Sam & Caitlin's first birthday. Their parents, Darrell & Cynthia, and everyone helped us celebrate our engagement, too. We left the party early and went to Teresa’s parent’s house in Wheaton to give them the news (and catch the last few minutes of the Maryland vs. UNC basketball game - priorities, y'know). Oh, were they excited! We all went out to a nearby restaurant to celebrate. Mom & Dad called us from Pennsylvania on the drive over to offer congratulations, too. Our promise is to love each other as God loves us and live happily ever after…

Eric Freed
2/17/99