Despite a good night's rest, I awoke on Sunday morning still in a funk. I was hopeful that a new day would result in a better mood and outlook, but I was feeling lost from the moment I climbed out of bed. Why does this seem to happen every time I'm by myself? I hated saying goodbye to my daughter, Melody, on Saturday, as she left to spend the whole week with her grandparents (my in-laws). This was necessary because camp is over for the the Summer, and I have to work, which means my daughter gets to spend time with her grandparents out of necessity. She'll continue next week by staying with my parents for the week. And while I believe it's good for her and them to spend time together, I just can't seem to keep it together, feeling intense loneliness while she's gone.
This isn't good.
After taking care of Faithful Pup Scout with a trip outside and giving her some breakfast, I got a bowl of cereal and a mug of java and watched some TV. Several hours later, I was still in front of the TV. My main chore for the day was to cut the grass, which I finally motivated myself into doing around mid-afternoon, when the sun was its hottest. After finishing the grass-cutting, I cooled off on the couch, thinking about what I was doing. I needed to get out of the house.
I cleaned up and changed clothes, then jumped into my little car, threw the top down, and took off down the road. I really didn't have a direction or destination in mind, but I generally get pulled into a westerly direction. I headed down Gorman Road, then Sanner Road, then Guilford Road heading towards Clarksville. I lost interest in the music playing on my radio, and I just shut it off. I just listened to the sound of the tires moving along on the asphalt, and it felt good. It was the same direction and roads that I traveled on the fateful evening when my wonderful wife went to be with the Lord. Upon arriving at Route 108, I took a right turn, deviating from that track. I decided at this point on a destination. It's where I always go when I'm in this funk. I stopped at the Giant in Clarksville and picked out a bouquet of flowers. Then, back on the road, I took Route 108 to Sheppard Lane. I continued straight through the roundabout onto Folly Quarter Road to Route 144 (Frederick Road). I turned left for a few miles, and then right onto Sand Hill Road. At the next roundabout, I entered Crest Lawn Memorial Gardens, the home of my wife's Earthly remains.
I'm not sure why I feel so drawn to cemeteries. It was only a few weeks ago when my daughter and I stopped at the cemetery between Brownsville and Uniontown, PA, to visit my grandparent's grave site. And here I was at my wife's. I parked and walked across the small field over to my wife's grave, where I arranged the flowers nicely into the attached vase. I said a prayer, asking God to bring me out of this funk. I just want to get my life back. I sat on a nearby bench and thought about the location of the cemetery, and the faint sound of traffic cruising by on Interstate 70. I tried to lose myself in the moment. It was hot, but at least it wasn't humid.
I returned to my car after about 20 minutes. I drove back out to Sand Hill Road, took a left onto Route 144, then another left on Marriottsville Road.to US 40. I headed towards Ellicott City, turned right onto St. Johns Lane, then another left onto Frederick Road and went towards old Ellicott City. I love this town. But I didn't spend any time there. I immediately turned right onto Old Columbia Pike, taking it up to Route 103, then right onto 104, and back to Route 108. I stopped at the Centre Park Giant for a few groceries, then I drove towards home, arriving at around 7. Scout seemed happy to see me. I at a light dinner, then washed it down with a homemade milkshake made with sugar-free vanilla ice cream.
Then I crashed. I was still down. I was tired, but I didn't want to go to bed quite yet. I watched a little TV, then snoozed on the couch. I struggled to go upstairs to my bed, but once there, I quickly drifted off to a sound sleep. I know this only because I didn't wake up until my alarm went off. After getting ready for work, I was right back in the same funk. And so, here I am.
Right now I'm tired, and I'm going straight to bed, even with the Cubs-Pirates match-up going on. Tomorrow is another day the Lord has made, and I'll try to be glad in it.
Have a great evening, everyone!