I had a rough night yesterday. As I've mentioned previously, I get hit by bouts of depression, and it happens many times when I'm not expecting. Last night, I guess because I've been sick over the past few days, I was primed for a fall. I picked up my daughter from school, and she immediately told me about a breakout of head lice at school, and that several of her classmates have it. Melody has had it three times since the end of camp at the beginning of August. Later, she was picked up by my father so she could spend the night and day today with them, since schools were closed due to Rosh Hashanah. That left me at home alone with Faithful Pup Scout. A little later, my father sent me a message letting me know that Melody has head lice again.
I didn't take the news well. I know it was just the trigger, but it really knocked me for a loop. I proceeded to flip out. I responded to my father in anger, and I completely took the blame for not taking care of Melody, assuming that the lice problem was something I could have prevented. This lead me to then call myself a bad father, that I'm not taking care of her, or myself, or even Scout. I was completely overwhelmed, and I broke down.
This seemed to come out of nowhere. I had actually been doing really well over the past few weeks. I just didn't see it coming. Dad tried to boost me up, presenting me with logic as to why this wasn't my fault, but I didn't listen to him. I lashed out some more, telling him how overwhelmed I was with work, with a messy house, with the need to get new much-needed appliances in my kitchen, etc. All of the problems I've experienced over the past six months were now being blamed by myself on me being a bad father. I was being unreasonable, and it's just the latest example of why depression is so unpredictable.
I went to bed last night angry at myself, angry because I had lashed out, angry that I was being so unreasonable, angry that I couldn't get my life in order, angry that my life seemed so screwed up, angry at my job, angry with my boss, angry about being a burden on my parents, being unable to live a normal life, and blaming it all on the death of my wife. I laid in bed unable to sleep for hours, a classic case of insomnia, replaying in my head all of the ways I've screwed up over the last decade. It was awful.
I must've finally fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing I knew, my alarm was going off and it was time to get up for work. I had decided yesterday that I needed to return to work. Even though I had been legitimately sick the past few days, I tend to feel guilty when I'm not at work, and I was anxious to get back, even if I wasn't feeling 100%. But all I could think about was how much I screwed up, and how screwed up I was. It made for a difficult Thursday. I apologized to my parents. I knew I had taken out my frustration on them, and that was unfair. I worked hard today, despite how I felt, though I could hardly wait to get home. When it finally came time to leave, I had to go to the grocery store first before I could head for home. After a quick stop at home, and putting the groceries away, I headed over the Mom and Dad's to get Melody. I was very happy that they could take care of her today. But I was also anxious to get home with her, and so we did. And we went straight to bed.
Thank you for listening. Have a great evening everyone!
Please get some professional counseling to help you deal with your grief. It will also make your daughter's life much easier for her.ReplyDelete
It's very hard to be completely open in a public forum like this. By putting my honest feelings and experiences out to readers of this blog, I open myself up to the opinions of others, and while I will always respect these opinions, I need everyone to know that I wouldn't put this stuff out there without already having a safety net of health professionals looking after me. I may not share that in the blog, but it's true. My goal in sharing is to help others possibly recognize if they might have similar situations which they can relate to by seeing that they're not necessarily alone. God is always at the center of everything I share, as well, since He is the center of my life. All that said, I appreciate your concern, Beth. Thank you for your comments.Delete