Wednesday, September 17, 2014

True Love Memories

About two weeks ago, I "hid" my profile on  I wasn't at all happy with the results I was getting, and I was frustrated that I was getting no responses to my inquiries.  Dating, even looking for dates, is such a humbling experience.  Women certainly have the advantage, since I believe it is the males responsibility to be the initiator.  Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's the right thing to do.  If a woman I contact will only tell me she's not interested, I can live with that.  I get so disenchanted with the whole thing when I get no response at all.  I respond to every woman who contacts me.  I'm totally flattered when a women tells me she's interested, but it does become problematic to me when I am contacted by someone I'm not at all interested in, and/or is nothing like who I'm looking for in my profile.  And that's usually the case, at least 80% of the time.  I don't want to hear that I'm being too picky.  That's how this works.  I'm not looking for an 80% solution.  I'm looking for the 100%.  I've had the 100% (my wife, who passed away ten years ago).  I can't compromise.

So, in the nine months I've been on Match, the longest by FAR that I've ever stayed active on a dating site continuously, I had two dates, a first and a last, with a very nice young lady who I feel we had a lot of similarities at our core, but just too many different interests to make it work.  Over the last three months, I have made zero contacts.  Maybe I've just lost interest.  Maybe I have been too long on this site.  Whatever it is, it was time to shut it down, however I'm still paid up through December.  It seems like a huge waste of money not to take advantage of the membership, but I feel like I need to take a break.  Or start over.

There are times when I wonder if I am meant to be married again.  I still have occasional bouts with depression over the loss of my wife.  She meant the world to me, and the loss was very painful.  Though I hate that fact that my daughter doesn't have a mother in her life, I miss even more the companionship that being married to a best friend brought to my life.  It may be hard to believe, but my wife and I wanted to do things together all the time.  We had no desire to take solo vacations, and a girl's night or boy's night out was more of a "chore" than it was something we wanted to do.  We just liked being together and doing things with each other.  We never fought.  Not once did we ever go to bed angry with each other.  We truly cared about each other's well being.  And God was the center of our marriage.  We knew and understood that God came first in our personal lives, even before our marriage.  We prayed together every day, and studied the Bible together, and went to Bible studies at our church together, and we worshipped together.  Love wasn't just a casual word we would throw to each other.  There was a meaning behind it.  We lived love.  It encompassed every aspect of our lives.  Our love life was very fulfilling.  We both waited until marriage for a physical relationship, as the Bible says to do.  There were no surprises in our relationship.  We knew each other so well that we knew what we were thinking, but we still took the time to ask the questions of each other, which was the respectful thing to do.  I could go on and on.  Our marriage lasted just over 4 and a half years.  I knew her for only 6 years.  She was a mom for only 5 months, and she never saw her first Mother's Day.  She passed away too soon.  I know that she is with Jesus now, but I miss her so much.  She is the reason that I can't enter lightly into another relationship.

Interestingly, I did find love several years ago.  It was a very intentional relationship.  I worked very hard to make the relationship solid, and I do believe there was a deep love that developed.  But, ultimately, it was her lack of trust of men in general (and abuse in her past relationships) that got in the way, along with the physical distance (she lived in Oklahoma, I here in Maryland), and I knew even then that long distance relationships are just too hard even if everything is going well.  But before that, we were planning to be married.  God made the red flags very apparent, and we parted, though not amicably, unfortunately.  It hurt, but it was the right thing to do.

So, I don't know what my dating future looks like.  The smart thing is to just take a break for a while.  I'll re-evaluate later and see if the desire to try again returns.  For now, I will continue to put the Lord first, be a father second, and content myself with making my career successful for my employee's benefit.  I'll work on my physical and mental health, and enjoy the Fall season, which is my favorite time of year.

Have a great evening, everyone!

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